Normal.

What I’m not. And what I want to be. But strangely also, what I don’t want to be. Let me explain. I often find myself longing for the life that used to be. The life of a “healthy” person. Life before Lupus and all that has happened in the last 2 months.

But that is not reality. Now I am forced to be way more intentional than I ever desired to be. To rest well. To eat healthier. To stay fit. To be careful. To focus on my health. I used to eat what I wanted, stay up as late as I’d like, work out when I felt like it, and never really think about germs/pills/shots/doctors/medical terms. These are not bad things; they just require a lot of me. I prefer the easy-going life from before. Right now anyway.

The thing about Lupus is that you can’t necessarily see that the person who has it is sick. When I’m out, I look “normal” (besides the mask, anyway). You wouldn’t know by looking at me that I have renal failure, that my immune system is hyperactive, that I have a chronic illness that can cause a variety of problems the rest of my life. And part of me is really thankful for that. I don’t want people to look at me and think “I wonder what’s wrong with that girl.”

But the other part of me wants to be understood. For people to know that my life, my limits, are different now. I’m not the same as before, and I can’t do everything the same as I used to. I don’t want to use Lupus as an excuse, but I do want to be wise (I certainly don’t want to end up in the hospital again anytime soon!). I don’t want to annoy friends and family by talking about my sickness all the time, but it is part of my life now, and I don’t want to have to pretend like it doesn’t exist.

I think I’m contradicting myself because I’m saying that I don’t want to be viewed as “sick” BUT I want people to know that I am sick. So I apologize if you are confused. These are the thoughts that were going through my head between 5am and 6am this morning.