Saturday, March 5, 2011

A long overdue update

It has been a couple of weeks since I updated the blog with how I am doing. For those of you who have been curious and/or checking, I apologize! I’ve actually been quite busy, although perhaps that is the wrong word. My time has been full. Yes, I’m still mainly at home, but it’s amazing how quickly the day fills up. Between cooking, cleaning, and catching up on things we are behind on (budgeting, thank you cards, insurance paperwork, and responding to e-mails), along with my “nurse” duties at home, I don’t have a ton of down time. But recently, I have enjoyed the freedom to just be still, to sit at the feet of Jesus each day, forget about the clock and just be. And it’s wonderful. Since I have nowhere to go (although I do have to turn the “to-do list” off in my mind), I can just be still. From after breakfast until lunch time if I want, and sometimes I do. My doctor gave me a new time frame of one month before I can go back to work, and although I was a little disappointed, secretly I was thankful for this pleasant gift I’ve been given, for the peaceful mornings I have waiting for me with the God who has all the time in the world to spend with me.
So blogging has taken a back burner. However, no news is good news and I have been doing and feeling quite well. Much of my strength has returned, and the side effects that I do still have, I’ve mostly gotten used to. I had another doctor’s appointment on Thursday and once again, my doctor was ecstatic about my progress and continues to have high hopes that my kidneys will fully recover, that I’m in the top 30% (70% who have levels as high as mine need further treatment, dialysis, or even a transplant). He even said that through the medications I am on, I am pretty much lupus-symptom-free. My creatinine level is down to…drumroll please…3.4! Last week, it was at 4.0 and the week before it was at 4.9. So after beginning at 11.6, getting down to and floating around 5ish for awhile, it has continued to go down, and Lord willing, will one day reach the magic number 1. I am no longer anemic, my blood pressure has stayed pretty normal, and most of my other tests have returned to normal as well. Every week I get to lower a dosage of medicine or take a few less pills – small changes, but victories and proof of God’s healing nonetheless.
And that is what I am struck by today. And most days. God is a Healer. And God is good. And more recently, I’ve been struck by the reality that even if God had not healed me, God would still be good. And that would still be His Grace for me. I read today in a book by Bill Johnson that “healing is never one-dimensional. While a miracle may change one’s physical health, it also sparks a revolution deep within the human heart.” And it has. Jesus has captured my heart in a refreshing way. And I would almost say it’s been easy to praise Him for healing me. Isn’t that usually the case? Romans 8:28 says “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” And while it is good to rest in that promise and the fulfillment of it, I think my understanding of it is misguided. When I hear “for my good” I think about what I want “good” to mean for me. But what if it really means what God knows is good for me (maybe in the long run) but doesn’t seem good to me at the moment. What if God had not chosen to heal me? What if I was still in the hospital? Would God be good then? Would I still praise Him?
Another thing about God is that He is a Connector. What I mean by that is there are several lessons He was been teaching me and knowing that I am forgetful, He finds ways to connect these things together in my life so that they confirm what He’s teaching me and help me understand them. For example, I read the Grace vs. Karma article by Bono and that week at church, we had a guest speaker who mentioned and briefly discussed this exact article and concept, reminding me of lessons the Lord taught me that week. Also, he’s been revealing a lot to me centered on the theme of death to life. This week, friends have posted articles on the theme, I’m reading a book about living life on purpose, our Bible study recently watched The Passion of the Christ, and even The Bachelor (I confess, I love the show!) had a visit to a morgue this week, including a detailed explanation of the embalming process and a peak inside a crematorium! All this to say that in my moments of wondering about the extent of God’s goodness and my faithfulness, He brought me to this blog post. Jja Jja Maria, who has endured so much, still laughs joyfully saying "Whatever He wants". And Katie, who had her child taken away from her still claims God's goodness.  I read the article, praised God again for how he connects things together, and knew that the answer to my questions was “yes”. If I had died or if I was still in the hospital, God would still be good, still worthy to be praised.  And while I am thankful that He is healing me and that, to me, is what I want, what I think is “good” for me, He knows (and is teaching me) that His Presence is actually what is “for my good”. Because with His presence comes His Grace, and He would be with me if I was deathly ill in that hospital bed just as much as He is with me while He is healing me here at home. And I am thankful. Thankful for healing, yes, but more than that, thankful for His Presence with me.
The Desert Song by Hillsong
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

1 comment:

  1. This is an excellent post, full of very good insights! I'm blessed by reading it.

    ReplyDelete

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