Observations on some Christmas songs

There have been some issues with a number of Christmas songs that have been gnawing at me for some time now. We’ll pass over the fact that no one is alive who has ever heard bells from a sleigh that was being used as a legitimate means of transportation, and we’ll ignore the phenomenon of seeming to need children to enjoy Christmas and pass straight to specific songs that drive me crazy.

#1. Baby, It’s Cold Outside: A man who apparently lives alone pressures a younger woman who lives with her parents to spend the night with him. He even goes so far as to drug her drink while she tells him all the reasons that she should leave. We call this a timeless Christmas classic.

#2. What Child Is This? Great song, except for the first line of verse 2:

Why lies he in such mean estate where ox and ass are feeding?

Observations: “inspired by a true story”

Julie and I recently watched a movie with the claim, “Inspired by a true story.” What does this mean exactly? How close to the real story does it have to be to include the words “true story”, and how much fiction does it have to have to necessitate the words “inspired by”? Are there any kind of real guidelines here? Is this just saying that they met someone who had a slightly interesting story, but not interesting enough to hold their attention for more than a few minutes? Or is it saying that the screenplay writer is better at exaggerating someone else’s story than they are at being original or telling the truth?

My guess is that it’s like the trick that stores do where something costs $1.99 instead of $2.00 so that after you’ve gone away and forgotten a little bit, you remember it was “a dollar something”, which later turns into “only a dollar!” which then seems like a much better deal. In the same way, we’re meant to eventually believe that stories merely “inspired by a true story” are actually based on a true story and then be impressed by how amazing that story is.

Feline impatience

One of our cats (Remington) has taken to standing upright on the toilet whenever I am filling up his water bowl. I think it’s a mixture of curiosity about running water and impatience to receive his bowl which he then will not touch. Actually the only water he seems to drink is the rainwater that fills a bucket on our back porch. Every time we open the back door, he charges outside and immediately drinks as though we’ve been depriving him. Ingrate.

In any case, his standing trick amuses me, so I caught it on film and thought I’d share all 11 seconds of it. I showed it to Alma today, and she said it looks like he’s telling someone to come to him. This struck me as hilarious because she’s absolutely right in her own cultural context: the way to signal someone who’s far away to come to you is to do exactly what the cat does in the video (but with one arm). To gesture by swinging your palm up can be offensive here.

So without further ado, here’s some minor amusement for you.

The Quiet Room

Recently, Chase and I were able to attend a Kid’s Ministry conference in Chicago, where we were able to attend several helpful seminars on how to do children’s ministry better. One of the principles emphasized at the conference was that children have the ability, the desire, and the need to connect with God on a personal level. Our services tend to be fast-paced, fun, and energetic, but this past Saturday we started to incorporate changes that will enable kids to meet with God more intimately. We sang slower worship songs, allowed kids to spend time during the service silently praying to God, and created a separate room where kids can go to be quiet and pray during the play times before and after the service. We had several kids request to go to the prayer room on Saturday. One boy came up to ask where the prayer room was, but since we were about to dismiss the kids, we told him that he could go next week, and he was clearly disappointed. We were told at the conference that many churches give kids what they “want” (fast, energetic entertainment) and not want they “yearn for” (a connection with their Creator). We certainly witnessed this to be true as kids responded so well to the new changes this week!

at a funeral

Last Wednesday, I (Chase) went to my first Nicaraguan funeral. For obvious reasons, this wasn’t something I had really been hoping to experience as soon as possible. Culturally speaking, the biggest difference between it and an American funeral is its immediacy. The boy had died around 1am and the funeral was at about 4pm the same day. This is pretty common.

The boy was the brother of one of the youth kids at Camino de Vida, and was about 17 years old. There are a few stories circulating about how he died: some say he was walking drunk in the street and was hit by a car; others say that he was beaten and stabbed. From my experience with hearing about bad events secondhand, I recognize that at least one of these stories was fabricated to either add meaning to or subtract it from his death.

Kids’ Ministry Conference

Since we moved to Nicaragua to work with One by One, Chase and I have been wanting to go to a conference to learn more about how to do kid’s ministry well. After 2 years, we finally got the opportunity this past weekend. We arrived in Chicago on Thursday and have been attending “Kidmin 2011” from Friday through today (Monday). We went to the general sessions each morning and evening, and during the day we were able to choose from several different workshops. Every class we attended was extremely helpful and relevant to ministry in Nicaragua. We learned about how to develop kids as leaders, how to teach all types of learners and involve kids in a more active learning process, and about the spiritual formation of children. We also met some really amazing people that we plan to keep in touch with to bounce ideas off of in the future.

Hairy new Russells

Well, I’m not sure if we actually call them “Russells” or not. We haven’t decided yet if we’re the kind of people who consider pets part of the family. In any case, my long-time dream has come true: own a cat. The plan was by default to just have one, especially because I didn’t want to push my luck with Julie (she’s more of a dog person), but the lady we got them from convinced us to take along an extra sibling for better adjustment or good luck or something like that.

Meet Ralph (top) and Remington (bottom). They’re month-old brothers from the same litter, and for some reason the prefer sleeping in the bathroom sink instead of on their cat bed we have on loan. Sometimes they even spoon. We’ve probably taken a dozen pictures of them in the sink. When they’re not sleeping or running away from us, they’re jumping on each other’s heads and chasing each other up and down the stairs. Ralph’s collar has a little bell on it, so there’s a non-stop jingling audible from all parts of the house. That bell will soon be removed.

Día de la Independencia

Last week, Nicaragua celebrated its Independence Day. To read more about how it is celebrated, you can visit this website.

For us, it meant that we got a couple days off work (and school for Joanna), and we got to go see Joanna dance in an Independence Day celebration at Nicaragua Christian Academy. (In case you don’t know, Joanna is Chase’s younger sister who lives with us and studied at NCA last year, and then decided to return this year for her senior year.)

Typical Saturday morning service

Many of you have gotten the chance to come down to Nicaragua to see first-hand what we do. However, for those of you who haven't (and especially for those of who have a difficult time picturing what it is we actually do), here's a video that hopefully helps you visualize the ministry aspect of our lives. The following is a compilation of short clips from each of the activities that are included with a Saturday morning kids' service.

Or you can click on this link: http://vimeo.com/28109870

In the good ol’ U.S. of A.

Home sweet home. Sort of anyway. I think no matter where we go, Texas will always feel like home since we both spent our first 18 years here. We’ve been here since Sunday and have been enjoying spending time with friends and family, as well as shopping at some of our favorite stores like Target and Hobby Lobby. And I can’t deny that I’ve already been to Chick-fil-A twice, and will most likely enjoy a few more meals there before we return to Nicaragua.

We’ll be here through Sunday and then we head up to Norman, OK on Monday for a week. We’re pretty excited to spend time with friends there, and Chase is looking forward to playing with the Wildwood worship team on Sunday.

Then, we’ll be heading to NYC to visit family and meet our new (well, 8 months old) nephew. We always love going to NY, and this time, I’m sure, will be no different.

I guess “The Traveling Russells” doesn’t apply too frequently these days, but for the next 3 weeks, I guess it is fitting to be our blog title. I think we are still on the lookout for a new one, but just can’t seem to come up with the perfect one…any ideas?

9 months later…

At my last doctor’s appointment, I was FINALLY given permission to go back to the kids service, so after about 9 months of missing these sweet faces, I was more than ready to see them all again! Most people get one little baby at the end of their 9 month wait…I got about 200 kids! Unfortunately, I had to wear a mask.

When I was explaining to Cisney (above) why I was wearing the mask, it went something like this.

Me: Well, you have an immune system that protects your body from infection, right?

Cisney: No (shaking head)

Open letter to Russia

Note to Western readers: this post will be more enjoyable if you have this playing in the background.

Dear Russia,

Please stop being so creepy. Yes, I’ve seen you. You thought that I didn’t know that you’ve been checking up on my blog, but I did. I’ve known all along. The built-in Stats feature of Blogger has shown me that you’ve looked at my blog not just once, but 149 times, and never from the same computer twice. I submit to you the evidence from Exhibit A below, unaltered in any way:

the account of my dengue (or some such virus)

So Julie has been pressuring me to write about my dengue experience although it gets less interesting to me the more time that passes, and also it seems inappropriate to dwell on it so soon after the bad news she got health wise that was actually serious. It’s actually a pointless story with no moral at the end, just gruesome details in the middle. Nevertheless, she has persisted and agreed to my terms that if I’m going to write about it, I get to spice it with levity and hyperbole. I seem unable to write in any other manner.

WARNING: the following story is not for the faint of heart and may contain the word “vomit” many times. I may give more details than simply the fact that vomiting happened, but I promise not to discuss colors or tastes. Read at your own risk the story that follows.

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The Unfortunate News

Friday night, I had my (now) monthly check-up, but this time with the kidney doctor, Dr. Granera, whom I have not seen in probably 3 months. Since I have been feeling well recently, I was expecting more of the same as previous check-ups. “You’re young”, “there’s still hope”, “be patient” – these are the common phrases I hear from my doctors when referring to my kidney failure, which is the primary issue I am dealing with at this point. (My Lupus symptoms are controlled by medicines and don’t cause any pain or need for concern at this point.)

So I went in with high hopes, not at all expecting the news he had to deliver. I’ve been told from the beginning that it might take 3-6 months for my kidneys to recover, and I don’t think I ever considered the option that they might, in fact, not recover at all. When I left the hospital at the end of January, my creatinine count was around 5 (should be less than 1 and started at over 11). Since March, it has fluctuated back and forth between 2.8 and 4.1, but most recently was 3.4. In addition, I had another more extensive test that showed I currently only have 17% kidney function. Based on these tests and the amount of time it’s been without significant improvement, I am now considered to have chronic kidney failure; it is no longer acute.

Mosaic Maker

The rain has been steady all morning and I can’t stop thinking about mosaics. About brokenness. And about how God can take all the broken pieces of our lives and make them beautiful.

Because we are all broken. We’ve all been hurt by someone or something. Or we’ve made stupid choices and done the hurting to ourselves. Either way, we are made up of lots of little broken pieces. Pieces from broken relationships, abandonment, harsh words. Or maybe there are shards left behind from abortion, abuse, or rape. Perhaps the slivers are self-inflicted – eating disorders, searching for fulfillment outside of Christ, lack of self-control. Maybe our lives have been interrupted by death or illness. Any number of things can break in and tear us apart.

refreshed.

This week has been more or less a test of what I can and cannot do. I love having the team here and want to spend as much time with them as I can, but I recognize the need to be careful (I’m not wanting to jump into hospital stay #3 anytime soon!).  I’ve been able to go in to the office in the mornings, although I still can’t be around large numbers of kids or be in the sun, so I’ve had to stay behind during the carnival events in the neighborhoods. I did however decide to visit House of Hope with the team this morning. The girls (who live there but attend our kids services each week) were supposed to be in school but got out early, so I was able to see them for the first time in 6 months (though Chase did make me wear a mask)! It made my heart happy to hug them and tell them how much I’ve missed them and love them. At one point, I heard someone yell “What?! JULIE’S here?” and then Bertha came running out of the girls dorm and embraced me in the biggest bear hug! Definitely the best moment of the day. Josidara asked if Chase had been passing along her messages each week from when he would see her at our kids services, which included telling me that she loves me more than he does. What really happened is about a week or two ago, Chase said “When you see Josidara, tell her that I’ve been passing along her messages to you each week about how much she loves and misses you.” I kind of ratted him out.

Anyways, if you’d like to read more about what the team has been up to, check our ministry blog at http://chaseandjulieministrynews.blogspot.com/.

Holy and Happy

I’m currently reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, which is essentially about how marriage is designed not to make us happy, but to make us holy. While marriage continues to play a huge role in the Lord’s sanctification in my life, I am blessed to be a part of a marriage that also brings me great joy. I realize that not everyone is in the same situation and I definitely don’t take this incredible gift for granted. But I do think that while God does want to use the marriage relationship to sanctify us, he also gives it to us as a gift that he means for us to enjoy. And such is true of life and relationships in general as well.

What brings me joy…

- Thursday Russell dinners (plus Paul). We recognize that it’s not common to have family with you on the mission field and we know it’s probably not forever, so we are enjoying taking advantage of it now.

- Halle’s limeades. On Wednesday nights, I get to be a part of a Bible study with a few amazing girls (which also brings me joy), but I greatly anticipate the icy cold, fresh (as in, made from limes grown on trees in his yard), delicious limeades that Halle makes for us each week. Though nothing could replace Sonic’s strawberry limeade in my heart, this probably comes as close as you could get.

- Watching House. Chase and I have been watching a couple seasons of this TV show and although I’ve never been one to be interested in medical TV shows in the past, I’ve found it quite entertaining in this season of life. Almost every episode brings me back to those first few days in the hospital in January when my team of doctors was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I realize it might be weird that I enjoy this, but hey, what can I say. And I have a strange satisfaction in recognizing many of the medical terms that are tossed around as they try to diagnose a patient.

Camino de Vida, est. 2009

Today marks the two-year anniversary of our first kids service at Camino de Vida. It’s a long and short amount of time all at once.

Short in that 2 years hasn’t shown us what kind of impact the ministry will have in the kids lives as they become adults. Short in that for all we’ve learned, we know we still have so much more to learn about developing and managing a ministry that successfully connects kids to Christ. Short in that our rate of change and development has hardly slowed down.

It’s feels long when we reflect on the number of people (kids, parents, volunteers) who have passed through our doors—who has stayed, who has moved on, who has grown closer to God, and even who has grown physically taller.

Thanks to all of you who read, pray, support, and visit! We couldn’t be here without you.

lately

I haven’t given a health update recently, but since I frequently get asked the question “how are you feeling” in person, some of you may be wondering the same from back in the States. You are probably one of two types of people. The first is the type that wants to hear a simple “good” or “not so great” and not much more than that. The second is the type that wants to hear all the medical details and ramblings of my mind. If you are the first type, the answer for now is “good”. If you are the second type, read on…

Most days I feel great, and I haven’t had any major issues since leaving the hospital the second time. I’m still trying to figure out my spastic blood pressure, which seems to enjoy the depths and heights of blood pressure potential. I have had my appetite back and am really enjoying that. Who knew – life is not nearly as fun without the enjoyment of food. (My mother-in-law aided in this arena by making a variety of amazing dishes while she was here!) My only other medical issue at the moment is anemia, which is really not that big of a deal – it just makes me a little more tired than normal. So I am back to taking shots, which my sweet friend Jessie (who was a nurse in the States before moving to Nicaragua to become a missionary) so kindly administers to me. I can’t find the courage to give myself a shot, and apparently Chase can’t either, so we are both thankful for Jessie! I have blood tests and a doctor’s appointment again in 2 weeks (this will be my longest stretch – 3 weeks total – of not having to go to the hospital since January!) Last time I thought I would have a 2 month break between appointments, but ended up in the hospital the next week, so I’m hoping for a successful (healthy) time away this time!

Interruptions

A friend recommended Henri Nouwen’s book Reaching Out and here is an excerpt that has challenged and inspired me this week.

Don’t we often look at the many events of our lives as big or small interruptions, interrupting many of our plans, projects and life schemes? Don’t we feel an inner protest when a student interrupts our reading, bad weather our summer, illness our well-scheduled plans, the death of a dear friend our peaceful state of mind, a cruel war our ideas about the goodness of man, and the many harsh realities of life our good dreams about it? And doesn’t this unending row of interruptions build in our hearts feelings of anger, frustration and even revenge, so much so that at times we see the real possibility that growing old can become synonymous with growing bitter?

ashamed to admit it, but…

We are procrastinators. Poor gecko.

An April Shower

Yesterday afternoon in Managua, it rained for the first time in several months. As you can imagine, several months without a drop of rain (the norm for the dry season) causes almost every plant to turn brown. The rolling hills around town, instead of being beacons of lush, tropical vibrancy (to wax poetic) are mounds of yellow grass and scraggly, thirsty trees.

April is notorious for being the hottest month of the year—a fact that we can attest to. Temperatures have been in the upper 90s, there is little wind, and humidity hovers around 60%. Rain, on the other hand, usually lowers the temperature but raises the humidity (75% this morning!). In any case, it’s a welcome change from the dry season monotony.

The rainy season hasn’t fully begun, but we expect it to within the next few weeks.

i believe, but do i really?

Experience makes words on a page come to life. Scripture can mean one thing at one point in your life, but come alive in a completely different way depending on what you are currently going through in your life. I have definitely found this to be true over the last 4 months.

And not only this, but we find out what we truly believe when "life happens". I can say that I believe God is good (and think that I really do believe it), but then a friend has a miscarriage or I watch someone suffer from unexplainable pain and health problems or death comes unexpectedly where it doesn't seem to belong. And it's through those realities that my true beliefs are revealed.

Sunday came…

and I’m grateful.

Sunday’s coming

Happy Easter!

the road begins again

I’ve been out of the hospital (the second visit) for two weeks now. Since I was not there for as long as the first time nor was I as sick as the first time, I bounced back much quicker than before. Nonetheless, I have still been tired and weak, but gaining new strength each day.

I finished 3 different antibiotics at home, and the infections seem to be gone for the time being. I am, however, anemic again, which causes me to be more tired than normal. Also, my blood pressure has been on the  fritz—high then low seemingly without reason. But besides these two things, I have been feeling well and am thankful to be past the worst of hospital stay #2 and all that was associated with it (but thinking about the ice bath still makes me shiver!). I am currently not taking CellCept, my immunosuppressant to treat Lupus, since it is what allowed the infections to take over in the first place. However, there aren’t really any other good options, as far as Lupus medications go, for me to take, so the plan is for me to go back on CellCept in about a week. And then we just hope (and pray!) that the bone marrow/white blood cell/infection issue does not take place again!

Currently, Chase’s parents are in town and all the Nicaragua Russells have been enjoying their company. Certainly Beckett and Hatley have loved having Granddad and Lolli here, and we have all been benefitting greatly from Orell’s cooking! We went to the beach on Tuesday, but mostly have just been relaxing, playing games, and eating delicious food! Since it is Semana Santa (Holy Week), we all have off work, and the break has definitely been a welcome one.

Found it!

Almost 4 years ago, Chase gave me something that I have treasured every day since. It is the most expensive thing he ever bought me and the thing that he had to work the hardest for to buy. I have worn it everyday of our marriage (I don’t even take it off in the shower), and I love to watch it sparkle in a room full of bright lights. In case you didn’t figure it out, I’m referring to my wedding ring (and engagement ring, as they are soldered together).

When I was in the hospital, I had super swollen fingers, so we decided to take the ring off and Chase took it home for safe keeping. A few weeks after I got out of the hospital the first time, I asked for it back, and Chase had to confess that he had lost it. Although I was really sad, I could tell he felt absolutely terrible, so I just forgave him. And I prayed that somehow, someway my ring would turn up. His theory was that Paul’s (who lets us use his washer & dryer) washer ate it. After taking it apart a few weeks later, however, no ring was to be found. Sad, sad day.

Back in the hospital

Well, if you haven’t heard yet, I am back in the hospital, although this time Lord willing, it shouldn’t be for as long. Chase sent an e-mail out to everyone on our newsletter list with a few more details and if you didn’t receive that or would like to, let us know.

Otherwise, I just wanted to give you a brief update of the last couple days here. I checked my temperature right before coming to the hospital and it was at 104. Yikes. We check in around 9PM Wednesday night and at about 2 that morning I was woken up to a torture session  ice-water-bath-in-bed. Chase had done that the night before for my 105 fever, but since there was husband sweetness involved, he did things like put on soft music, NOT turn the AC on max, and NOT break open half-tied ice water-balloon gloves in my armpit (Although my whole body and bed was soaking wet at that point anyways, so I guess it didn’t really matter). My thoughts during this process varied between “I’m gonna die, this is worst thing ever, I’m pretty sure they are freezing me to my death” and “This too shall pass.” And it did. The passing, not the death.

“the traveling russells” turns 2

Two years ago today, we launched our blog. That is to say, Julie launched her blog, but over time I started throwing in my cynical 2 cents often enough to call it “ours”. Life was really different for us in April 2009: we had only just recently accepted a position with One by One, but didn’t really know much about what we would be doing—but we originally weren’t going to be working with kids!

Since then, we’ve moved twice, painted twice, we went to Costa Rica, flew back to the States 4 times, obtained 3 nephews and a niece, learned a lot of Spanish, learned a lot about ministry, learned a lot about wealth and poverty, battled serious mold, culture shock, heat, rain, health problems, power outs, and vermin. I don’t have any gray hair yet, but think I’m starting to develop wrinkles around the eyes.

Anyways, thanks for reading this blog. I’m always pleasantly surprised that a number of people take the time to read the things we put on here.

Here’s an interesting excerpt from our first post:

We currently have this blog named "the traveling russells" because that's what we do. We travel. Almost every weekend...However, as soon as we think of a better name (suggestions anyone?), "the traveling russells" is history.

So much for ever coming up with a new name!

two months later

Two months ago today, I was released from the hospital. I’m feeling humbled, as God has continued to heal me and lead me on the path of renewal and restoration. More blood tests and another doctor’s visit yesterday brought, for the most part, more good news and continued improvement, despite my Chick-fil-A confession (Oh, and did I forget to mention the Wendy’s fries I had at the airport on our layover in Houston?)

My creatinine count is down to 2.8 from the previous 3.5, and almost all of my other tests have continued to improve and/or are back to the normal range of what they should be. Almost everything Dr. Aragón had to say ended with an exclamation point, and he couldn’t stop smiling after looking at my test results. He was so pleased that he doesn’t need to see me again for 2 months! (I won’t miss the needles, cost, or drive out there, but I do kind of enjoy seeing him each week!)

To sum it all up…

We are back home in Nicaragua after our quick trip to the States. The week was filled with moments of uncontrollable laughter, refreshing times of welcome rest, and best of all, wonderful conversations. The kind of conversations that go deep to the heart of the issue, ones that challenge and encourage and inspire, and also ones that don’t just include “catching up”, but rather the deepening of friendship. We are blessed to have friends and family to share this life with despite the miles between us. This trip to the States was our favorite so far, and we are grateful that God answered our prayers - for all the details to fall into place and for my health, energy and strength despite the change of pace.

Kids…hilarious, aren’t they?

I’ve always found them to be so. And this morning, I thought I’d share with you a few of the reasons why:

This is a postcard I wrote to my grandmother from camp one summer. I looked up the dates for when postcards were accompanied by 19 cent stamps, and deductive reasoning tells me I authored this little guy sometime between 1991 and 1995. I was between the ages of 7 and 11.

My Aunt recently found this gem in my grandmother’s things and mailed it to me. After I laughed for about 10 minutes about what a downer this must have been to receive (sorry Grandma!), I then wondered what in the world had happened back in the early 90s at Camp Bette Perot. At this point, all I remember is riding horses and discovering that M&Ms and Skittles mixed together has the most delightful flavor (though Chase would disagree, to be sure).  The mystery remains…

Next, we have a very generous offer from a potential future donor to our ministry. Shortly after we moved to Nicaragua, the Woodcreek AWANA kids sent us a bundle of letters to encourage us and let us know they are praying for us and our ministry in Nicaragua. I can’t help but wonder what this sweet little girl has planned for the other $400…

And finally, we have a note Chase received from a little boy in the Woodcreek AWANA program. I love how he translated his name to “Pedro” for us.

Sorry Pedro, we disobeyed your instructions and opened the card anyway. AND you guessed right! Chase does like pizza better than tacos – thank you for pre-filling in the checkbox for him.

This is the back of the envelope/card (creatively, it was all just one sheet of paper!) Peter (I mean, Pedro), we should all get together and share a delicious pepperoni pizza…that is, once I’m allowed to eat cheese again!

Doctor Day Update

Yesterday was Doctor Day and Dr. Aragón was all smiles about my improvements. Most of my tests are normal, or at least improving, and I officially no longer have anemia (which was being caused by the renal failure). My creatinine level went from 5.0 to 4.9, to which I responded with a disappointed face, to which the doctor responded with “Tranquila, Calma, paciencia, you are getting better, chavalita!”. He again reminded me that it might take 2 more months for my kidneys to be back to normal. He said he has faith that I am in the top 70% who recover fully from where I was, and not in the 30% who don’t. As much as I’m learning about patience, I guess I’m still struggling with it. But still, I am thankful for a doctor who believes in me and a God who is healing me.

One thing I found humorous about Doctor Day (and one thing I couldn’t imagine would ever happen) is that my glucose level is low. The doctor actually told me to eat more sugar (WHAT? I know, right?!). I’ve been eating a lot of fruit, and the occasional Dove dark chocolate, but I’ve been staying away from most sugar to avoid the “fat, fat, fat” ness that was promised to me in the hospital. It seems to be working, because I’ve now lost 27 pounds since leaving the hospital! The wii fit says I still need to lose 20 more, but I’m just celebrating the over-halfway point right now! However, after my instruction to eat sugar, I was quick to obey, and Chase and I indulged in some delicious Ghirardelli ice cream last night. I only lost .2 pounds today, but it was totally worth it.

Most of my medicines will stay the same this week, although he did change my prednisone (steroid). The original plan was to take me down 5mg every 10 days, and I had about 3 days left at 70mg. However, when he saw some of the side effects (a rash, a couple small lesions on my leg, and some undesirable stretch marks), he got nervous and decided to speed that process up a little bit. So starting today I am down to 60mg and will go down 10mg  every 10 days until I reach 30mg, where I will stay for awhile.

I’m discovering that it is actually really hard to eat healthy (along with keeping the house clean and doing other things I need/want to do). My days are very full. Making everything from scratch takes a lot of time – time that I’ve never really had before with working full-time and other commitments. I am enjoying it, but also wondering how in the world I would do this if I was working also (or even if I had kids to take care of!). Today I made a fruit salad, and I cut up a cantaloupe, a pineapple, strawberries, and green and red apples.

It tastes delicious and I’ll be enjoying it for the next few days, but it took a good hour or two to prepare it. (Thankfully, the most recent episode of Biggest Loser kept me company while I labored!)

My lunch today was a grilled chicken salad and the fruit salad. The grilled chicken salad included lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, green onions, craisens, chicken and maybe a little Caesar dressing (oops…I cheated and had some salt, but I just love Ceasar dressing!) Yesterday was vegetable chopping day, as we had the salad for dinner last night (leftovers are my favorite!) so I didn’t have to do all of that today as well, which was nice! Tomorrow I think I’ll make some black beans – I’ve never not used a can before (silly sodium restrictions), so we’ll see how that goes.

So that is the update on me. The Lord is good and he is teaching me so much. It feels like I’m re-learning how to live. But He’s here. My eyes have been opened and I see who I was and I see who I want to be, and He’s walking with me…the whole way. It is hard and I do get scared, but He tells me *“Cease striving, know that I am God. And I’ll be exalted in the earth. Just be still, don’t you worry, I’ll be here. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Just wait and trust in me.”

*lyrics from a song titled “Cease Striving”

To smile and not to smile

It’s been a few days, so I wanted to update you all on how I’ve been doing. I’ve had a few not so great days, and a few really wonderful days. It’s definitely an adventure figuring out what life looks like now! First, I’ll share some things from my “list of things that makes me smile” category:

- Since leaving the hospital, I’ve lost 19 pounds! Can you believe it? Probably most of it is water weight or lost muscle mass, but certainly part of it must be that instead of the on-the-run-usually-fast-food lunches I was eating before, I eat this for lunch (or something like it):

my carrot, apple, fried egg on a piece of toast lunch

- Also, steroids are supposed to make me hungry all the time, but I really don’t feel hungry that often at all. Sometimes I just eat lunch because I need to eat with the pills I need to take. So thankful for this small blessing!

- This one is incredible. As of yesterday, I have rediscovered my ankles! My actual ankles – the ones I had a month ago before I got admitted to the hospital! I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have them back. (Okay, they are still swollen the slightest bit, but no longer can they be called “cankles”!)

- I went to the Doctor on Wednesday and although my creatinine level went back up a little (from a 4.5 to a 5), he was still pleased with the rest of my tests and happy that I was staying relatively stable. As of yesterday, my steroids have started to decrease (from 75mg a day to 70 mg) for the next 2 weeks, and they upped my Immunosuppressant from 2 grams a day to 3 grams a day. Thank goodness Dicegsa has a large supply for us, as I’ll be going through a box of 50 pills in just over a week now! (My current total pill count is 21 a day!)

The things that don’t make me smile?

- I asked again about going back to work/kids services at my appointment on Wednesday, and the doc said not for at least another month. I haven’t seen the kids or volunteers since the beginning of December, and I’ve been missing their sweet smiles, wanting to give Lindley a giant hug and hear Alma’s adorable laugh as Chase & I trap and tickle her. To find out how Diana is doing and catch up with Bertha. I don’t mean to complain, but 3 months without seeing any of them seems like a cruel punishment to me!

- The bad days. I haven’t had many, but the few I’ve had are, let’s just say, not my favorite. A bad day may include some sort of side effect from one of my medicines – anything from fatigue to nausea to insomnia to all-of-my-skin-is-peeling-off…among other things you don’t want to read about! :)

Really, that’s about it though. As for updated prayer requests, I would appreciate prayer for continued healing for my kidneys. I have another appointment next Wednesday and would like the direction of my creatinine level to go in the opposite direction! Also, pray for wisdom for me as I learn and decide where I should and should not go and what I should and should not do. I want to get out more, but I also want to be careful not to get an infection of any kind. Pray for me to be able to use my time wisely – to be productive, but also diligent to rest (for the sake of my body and my soul). And continue to pray for strength – I’m feeling stronger almost every day, but still have a long way to go!

Some new scenery

In an effort to make our main church room look better, feel better, and sound better, we as a ministry have introduced a number of improvements of late.

1) Movable room dividers. We have a number of 8’x10’ metal frames covered in thick black fabric. This helps the room feel a little smaller during Nuévete (the youth program) so that attention is focused more easily on the stage. It also helps a little bit in reducing echo—which as you can imagine, is greatly needed in a large, rectangular, concrete room.

2) Stage wall backdrop. Where there is bright blue carpeting on the wall behind the stage, we have hung black curtains from floor to ceiling to cover it. This also helps in focusing attention on the people on the stage and reduces a little bit of echo. Plus it just looks cool.

3) Sound booth table. The table in the sound booth that holds the mixing board and the computer that runs the slideshows had been in need of replacing for some time as it was badly warped and wobbly. The new one that we have is a little bigger and also a little lower so flying soccer balls during kids service won’t hit the computer and all the equipment won’t shake every time someone touches the wall.

4) Stage lights. This speaks for itself so I’ll just attach a picture of them when they were being installed so you can see what they look like. Maybe someday we can post a picture of them in action.

Normal.

What I’m not. And what I want to be. But strangely also, what I don’t want to be. Let me explain. I often find myself longing for the life that used to be. The life of a “healthy” person. Life before Lupus and all that has happened in the last 2 months.

But that is not reality. Now I am forced to be way more intentional than I ever desired to be. To rest well. To eat healthier. To stay fit. To be careful. To focus on my health. I used to eat what I wanted, stay up as late as I’d like, work out when I felt like it, and never really think about germs/pills/shots/doctors/medical terms. These are not bad things; they just require a lot of me. I prefer the easy-going life from before. Right now anyway.

The thing about Lupus is that you can’t necessarily see that the person who has it is sick. When I’m out, I look “normal” (besides the mask, anyway). You wouldn’t know by looking at me that I have renal failure, that my immune system is hyperactive, that I have a chronic illness that can cause a variety of problems the rest of my life. And part of me is really thankful for that. I don’t want people to look at me and think “I wonder what’s wrong with that girl.”

But the other part of me wants to be understood. For people to know that my life, my limits, are different now. I’m not the same as before, and I can’t do everything the same as I used to. I don’t want to use Lupus as an excuse, but I do want to be wise (I certainly don’t want to end up in the hospital again anytime soon!). I don’t want to annoy friends and family by talking about my sickness all the time, but it is part of my life now, and I don’t want to have to pretend like it doesn’t exist.

I think I’m contradicting myself because I’m saying that I don’t want to be viewed as “sick” BUT I want people to know that I am sick. So I apologize if you are confused. These are the thoughts that were going through my head between 5am and 6am this morning.

Chili cook-off

Russell Brothers Take Chili Cup

     In an unexpected turn of events, Chase and David Russell—brothers and neighbors in Managua, Nicaragua—combined efforts and “good ol’ Texas know-how” to win the annual Superbowl Chili Cook-Off hosted by International Christian Fellowship on Sunday.

     Two factors are worthy of comment in this outcome: 1) the cook-off of 2010 was shrouded in controversy as a late (and therefore “fresher”) entry took 1st place, pushing the Russells’ chili to 2nd, and 2) Chase had originally described their 2011 entry as “forgettable” and both brothers had feared it would not be a “contest winner.” This came on the tail of much debate between the two regarding matters such as whether or not to include beans, how much chili powder to add, whether or not the beef used was too tough, the advisability of including sausage, how many onions to add and at what point in the cooking process, as well as other things.

how you can help: the search for great recipes

In case you haven’t figured out by now, my days are fairly mundane. I force feed myself water all day, think about brownies and cheese while eating carrot sticks and watermelon, record my blood pressure, swallow an absurd amount of pills, alternate between being on my feet/earning cankles and propping them up on a bajillion pillows to bring them back under control, and attempt to will my creatinine count to lower itself…boring, boring, boring. Many of you have been home all week with snow days, so you know that there aren’t too many exciting things to report when you spend all day at home. SO, that being said, I think I’m going to expire the “Day posts” (Oh, and sorry about the boring titles the last 20 days – maybe lupus causes a lack of creativity as well?)

Moving on. Many of you have e-mailed, called, or messaged me and said to let you know if there is anything you can do to help. Well, up until now, prayer was really all I could think to ask for. But today, I got to thinking. Many of the recipes we like to cook involve my newly restricted food items – sodium, dairy and red meat. Recipes such as nachos, tacos, baked potatoes, lasagna, enchiladas, macaroni and cheese etc. Even our favorite fish recipe has parmesan cheese in it. The other thing is - we love delicious food. (Who doesn’t really?) But I’m having a hard time thinking of many delicious recipes that don’t involve the items bolded above. This is where you come in. Do you have any recipes that you love that you could pass along to me? You may not, because let’s face it, cheese can really go with almost anything. But if you do, and you have a few minutes (what are snow days for after all?), will you e—mail me your favorite (healthyish) non-dairy, no-sodium, red-meat-less recipes? Also, if you have any tips or recipes on healthy, but delicious baking, I would love those as well!

Day 8 at home

Well, good news! My creatinine count dropped from 5.7 to 4.5! (I’m glad I’m not still waiting for that 3, though – I would be on day 20 in the hospital!) The doctor was happy with my progress, even though I am technically still in renal failure. There are a couple things I’m disappointed about. One is salt. When I left the hospital, he said low salt. Last week, he said I could add salt back in. This week? NO salt. I have to admit I’m grieving the loss, especially after a week with a little more flavor in my life. This means no cheese. But he thinks the salt could be inviting the wretched cankles, so alas, I will submit, and attempt to cut out all sodium.

Also, I have developed this small red spot on my leg that he fears could be the start of shingles. There’s only one for now, but if I get more, I’m supposed to call him immediately. Hope it turns out to be nothing!

My heart rate has been consistently fast, so he took me off one of the blood pressure medications altogether – now I’m down to 2. One less pill per day is fine with me.

Though he still does not want me to go back to work, he said I can go out occasionally if I am in well-ventilated places and there aren’t a ton of people there.

Oh, Dr. Aragón did manage to call my nose ugly at some point during the appointment, not to be mean - just an observation, of course (and not totally out of context either). And who can blame him? It kind of looks the same as before I had surgery on it a year and a half ago. (To read about that, go here, here and here).

I go back next Wednesday, but this time to Dr. Granera, the nephrologist. This week? More waiting. More tests. More praying for those kidneys.

Day 7 at home

It’s late and I’m tired, but I wanted to update you on some highlights and ask you to pray for my tests and doctors appointments tomorrow.

So, with no further adieu: the highlights of the day.

- I slept really well last night – for almost 8 hours! The insomnia thing is kind of doing an every other night pattern, so I hope I can break it and sleep well tonight.

- Though gardettos are nowhere to be found in Nicaragua, I did get to skype in to the staff meeting, and I loved it. I may be abnormal, but I love meetings. And it was fun to feel like a part of the staff again for the first time since December 14th when we left for the States! I miss our team there, and I miss the ministry. It was fun to plan for the coming year, and I’m excited to see what the Lord will do through  One by One, Camino de Vida, and The Refuge Project!

- My mom left this morning, so today was my first day on my own. I made my own lunch, filled my own water bottles, and did all the things my mom has been doing (well, I didn’t clean anything) to take care of me while she was here. And it turned out okay!

- I went walking with Kristina tonight. She is still recovering from the C-section so we both could only walk for about 10 minutes, but you have to start somewhere, right? With my new need to stay out of the sun, I think the time we went (7PM) will be perfect to start gaining some endurance back. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow we will go for 15!

- I also got to skype with some close friends, which is always wonderful. I love skype! If you don’t have it, you should definitely get it.

So that was my day in a nutshell. As for prayer requests?

- I am taking the blood tests at 6:30 in the am and then going back for my appointment at 4:30 in the pm. I’m hoping for good news – good levels of phosphorus, sodium, calcium, etc. And also for my creatinine count to have gone down. It has been going up slowly the past couple of tests, and I’d really just prefer to reverse the process and get back on the track we started on!

- Will you also pray for our communication? Normally, I understand his Spanish fairly well, but I talked to him on the phone once this week and discovered later that I had completely misunderstood everything he said. (I thought that Dicegsa was the name of a drug I could take if I couldn’t find the CellCept, so I sent Chase looking around for the “drug” Dicegsa – turns out it was the distributor that might have the CellCept! Oops.) Phone Spanish is always more difficult, it seems.

Until tomorrow then, friends. Adios!

Day 6 at home

Well, thanks for praying. Not only did Dicegsa have the medication, it was a little cheaper than the hospital pharmacy and they had plenty of it. I think I have enough for 6 weeks! God is so good and faithful – sometimes I worry like the Israelites even though He always  provided manna for them! He has constantly shown Himself as Provider to me. When will I learn?

And what made today even better? I went out in public for the first time since, well, arriving back in Nicaragua on January 4th (besides doctors visits and the hospital stay of course). I woke up at 2:30 am, wide awake, got out of bed around 3:30, and developed this wonderful plan. It took some convincing on Chase’s part, and he made me call the doctor to get permission (I’m supposed to be mostly house bound for recovery for about a month). Dr. Aragón was with a patient, but picked up his phone to make sure I was okay. I assured him that yes, my blood pressure is fine…it’s just that I would like to go to the mall. Just for an hour. I promise I’ll wear a mask? Please??? Yes! He said yes! I put on real clothes. This is a big deal. (Since I’m at home all day, I usually just wear pajama pants.) They even still fit…sort of. And I put on make up. This was a big day.

(Okay, so I actually just asked to go to the store, and we were gone for a little over two hours, but I did wear the mask!)

So I sat in the car while Chase and my mom went and got my medicine, and then they ordered Subway sandwiches, which we all ate in the car (I don’t have to wear a mask in the car and I can avoid the germs by going in less places). And then we went to the mall. Why? I wanted curtain rods. I bought curtains for our new place in the States but hadn’t been able to hang them due to a lack of something to hold them up. So I masked it up, people stared (thankfully, no one pointed or laughed), and we headed to “Mundo Electronico”. Yes, that means electronic world. What do they sell? Well, dishes, toys, purses, basketballs, and curtain rods, among other things. They do have a few electronics there, but we find it funny that the majority of their products have no electronic components to them whatsoever. I digress. So I walked around the store with my hands in my pockets, touching nothing, so as not to attract potential infectious attackers found on products that who knows how many dirty hands have touched. Mom played the role of my hands for me – I would ask her to pull something out so I could see it better, or have her carry around the product once we decided. It was certainly an unusual way to shop, especially with the mask and all, but it was great to be out of the house for a short time. To not feel like a “sick” person for a few hours.

My mom leaves tomorrow, and I am sad to see her go. While she was here, she cooked, she cleaned, she organized, she swept, she mopped, she filled up my water bottles, she washed the dishes, and the laundry, she scrubbed, she gave me shots, brought me medicine, and so much more. But mostly she loved. And she cared for me. And I am thankful for her. I will miss her, but also, I am ready to learn the new normal. The new life the Lord has laid out for me. I’m curious to see what it will look like.

I’m trying to convince Chase to let me go to the One by One staff meeting tomorrow, but he’s not budging…hmmm…I need a very large bag of gardettos to try to bribe him…

Day 5 at home

Each day, I’m feeling a little better. Last night I slept for over 9 hours! And I only woke up twice to go to the bathroom (a nice break from the normal 4 or 5 times). I’m not feeling as nauseous and each day, I have a little more energy. My blood pressure has been normal, so much so that I was able to cut back on one of the medicines from 2 a day to 1 a day. The cankles are even starting to subside a bit. Unfortunately, my cheeks continue to inflate themselves. I keep telling myself “It’s only 6 months”. And then at my last doctor’s appointment, he said “Maybe a year”. Darn it steroids, I want my old cheeks back!

I have a new prayer request today. One of the medicines I am on (the immunosuppressant) is called CellCept and it is next to impossible to find in Nicaragua apparently. I take 8 of these a day, so I need a lot! (That’s 248 pills a month!) Chase has been to pharmacies all over town looking for it, and it is almost nowhere to be found. He went to the hospital pharmacy and they had enough for today, but tomorrow morning, I’m in trouble. We have one hope – a distributor called Dicegsa, but they aren’t open on Sundays. So will you pray that tomorrow Dicegsa will pull through for us? I’m trying not to stress, which is one of the triggers that can activate and cause lupus to flare up, but it’s difficult when I don’t have enough medicine that I need for 7am the next morning!

(Oh, the nachos Friday night? Amazing. It was good to be re-acquainted with cheese.)

Day 4 at home

In the summer of 2003, my friend Sami and I spent a month in Mexico together serving at  a place called the Mexican Indian Training Center. We spent a large portion of our time there scrubbing bricks…using bricks. There were concrete splatters all over the building, and we scrubbed them until they were clean, bright red, and beautiful. At first, it wasn’t so bad, but soon, the task became mundane and we began to hate those bricks. And we complained. And then the Lord convicted us. So we decided to change our attitudes and instead, share things that we were both thankful for. The rest of the day, we spent praising the Lord for all He had done, instead of focusing on our momentary, selfish afflictions.

Lupus is kind of like those bricks to me. I don’t really like it, to be totally honest. But, despite that, when I look beyond all that is happening, I can see God at work, and He is doing great things! So I want to use this blog post to brag on Him for a minute.

- Many people do not get the symptoms of Lupus all at once, which generally can lead to a years long search for a diagnosis. My body went a little crazy all at the same time, which enabled my doctors to figure out within a couple of days what was wrong with me.

- Also, I didn’t have to search out for the right doctors – the Lord just brought them to me. And they turned out to be excellent doctors who would sit and talk with me for hours and answer every question I had.

- My husband has been an invaluable support for me. Before I got stuck in the hospital, he would give me back massages every time I asked, take me to doctors appointments, take care of the house, do not only his job but my job at work, grocery shop – pretty much everything. He would get me Sprite after I threw up, and the poor guy had to watch and hear it happening pretty frequently. I didn’t sleep much, so neither did he.While I was in the hospital, he would drive an hour every day to come see me. He loves and serves me unconditionally. God has blessed me with an incredible husband and I cannot imagine going through this without him.

- In case you don’t know this about me, my main love language is physical touch. God gave me a doctor who was always patting me on the back, rubbing the back of my head, giving me hugs, etc. I didn’t just feel well cared for physically, I felt loved.

- My mom was able to take 2 weeks off work to come down and help take care of me while I was in the hospital, and she has been unbelievably helpful at home as well. My house has seen remarkable improvements since we got home. And I’ve mostly been propping my cankles up on the couch.

- Though this all happened while I am away and in a foreign country – I have family here that has been a great support for me, including Chase’s brother David and his wife Kristina, and Chase’s sister Joanna (who lives with us). And I got my first niece during this whole mess!

- Also, He has shown me that he does answer prayer. Did you pray for my nightmares to go away 3 nights ago? Because they did. Did you pray for the insomnia problem I had 2 nights ago? Because I slept for almost 8 hours (waking up several times, but always able to go back to sleep) last night. Little things, but real things that shout that “God is good and faithful to hear our prayers!” Thank you for standing with me and petitioning the Father on my behalf.

- The Lord has been teaching me many things. That I’m selfish. That I’m not as good at communication as I thought I was. That I believe too easily. But also that He loves me and has not forgotten me. That He refreshes my soul and leads me beside still waters. That He is my peace, my hope in the midst of the storm. My cup overflows.

Well, that is just a few of the ways God has been at work. Praise Him with me? And those bricks? They’re nothing compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord!

Day 3 at home

I slept last night from 10:30 until about 1:30 – nightmare free! But then the insomnia kicked in and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I laid there for an hour, then decided to get up (I read it can help if you get up, do something until you are sleepy, then try to go back to bed.) Well, I spent some time praying, reading, sending some e-mails. Never got tired – I was wide awake. Around 5:00am, I decided to try to sleep again, but nothing. I laid there for another hour or so until I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I was starving at that point anyway. I haven’t really felt tired all day, but I did take a nap for a couple of hours this afternoon. It’s quite the predicament that lupus can be activated by lack of sleep, but the medicines I’m on to treat the lupus cause insomnia.

And the other predicament that I’m having is that I’m supposed to be walking to regain strength, but anytime I’m on my feet, my legs, knees, ankles and feet swell up like balloons. So I need to spend most of the day with my feet propped up to avoid my skin drying out/cracking from the water buildup. I did start a diuretic today, but I haven’t seen much difference yet. So these two things are a bit frustrating, but again, nothing compared to what I had/was feeling before I went to the hospital. Just challenges to work though, I guess.

Kristina, Linda, Beckett and Hatley came over today and I had a great time holding Hatley and playing with Beckett. Tonight we are going to go to Dave & Kristina’s for Russell Nachos – my one red meat experience for the week – and I’ve been avoiding dairy all day so I could enjoy the delicious cheese. Have you had Russell Nachos? They’re pretty amazing. You should be jealous.

Day 2 at home

Today was testing day. My creatinine level went up a little bit again – from 5.3 to 5.7, but again my doctor was not too discouraged by this. Last night, I had some pretty terrible nightmares, so Dr. Aragón changed around a few of the times for some of the medicines, in hopes of no nightmares/insomnia. My blood pressure is low enough that he lowered one of the medicines for that from 2 a day to 1 a day. And he said I could add a little more sodium back in, but I still need to be very limited. Thank you for praying for my stomach – I kept everything down today! Hoping for the same again tomorrow!

My mom has been extremely helpful – cleaning, getting me food, doing dishes, organizing, doing our laundry, etc. I’m not strong enough to do a lot of those things yet, so I’m really thankful she is here to help me out!

I’ve been feeling very discouraged, and several people have suggested that we might be under a spiritual attack. I’m not really sure what to think, but I would appreciate prayer in this arena, as well.

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” –Psalm 62: 1-2

Day 1 at home

Although it is SO great to be home, today was hard. Simple things like walking up the stairs take all of my energy. I couldn’t keep my lunch down, which brought back terrible memories and fears of the 10 or so days in a row I spent not keeping anything down before going to the hospital. Also, I had just taken a bunch of pills, including the steroids, which probably hadn’t gone through my system yet. Not sure what to do about that.

I go in tomorrow morning for another creatinine test, and then tomorrow afternoon for a doctor’s appointment. Pray that my creatinine level drops, instead of staying the same or increasing. Pray also for diligence for me as I am learning a new diet, taking pills all throughout the day, and keeping track of liquid input/output, blood pressure, and pulse regularly. I am also extremely weak, so pray that I can regain strength and muscle in my legs without overdoing it. And pray for my stomach – that it would behave itself and keep food down like any good stomach should. We were blessed this evening with a delicious dinner made by our friends, the Normans, and…so far, so good.

Oh, and it’s so great having my husband back. I missed him like crazy. I’m pretty sure I got the best one out there.

Day 12: The Escape

Well, it’s so close I can taste it…and it almost got taken away! My creatinine levels actually went up a little bit today from 5 to 5.3, and the doctors sort of wanted me to stay another day, but I think they knew I’d be crushed. So I get to go home, but now I will be my own nurse – I have to rest, rest, rest, measure my blood pressure twice a day, keep track of how much I’m drinking vs. peeing, drink at least 4 liters a day, give myself a shot every couple days, and take about 22 pills a day. I also need to walk a lot (I’m not supposed to do aerobics yet though), stay out of the sun, completely change my diet (dairy no more than once a day, red meat no more than once a week, no shrimp, and as little salt as possible). And I’ll be wearing a mask at all times in public. (Promise you won’t laugh when you see me!)

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and after the dreaded needle to the arm, I started thinking about being able to walk over to David and Kristina’s (my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, who live in the same apartment complex as us), and love on my nephew Beckett, and my now 6-day old niece, Hatley. Of course, I started crying as I remembered how I had forced myself, despite incredible arthritic pain in my feet and legs, to walk over there because I was lonely and missed them all so much. It doesn’t seem real that I am going to be walking over there today, relatively pain-free, although a little wobbly to be sure. The tears? I’m not blaming the steroids this time. It. was. pure. joy.

So taking 22 pills a day doesn’t come without a price. The side effects I’ve been having so far are sleeplessness, tingly/numb legs, swollen legs/ankles, pressure/light pain in my head and of course, I’m getting fat. But, on the plus side, the hair on my legs seems to have stopped growing, or at least slowed down exponentially. However, I would take all of these over what I had before. There are 11 main symptoms used to signify lupus, and to be diagnosed, you have to have more than 4 of them at the same time. I had at least 7, including malar rash (butterfly rash over cheeks and nose), discoid rash on my entire body, mouth and nose ulcers, nose bleeds, arthritis, pleuritis (inflammation of the pleural lining around the lungs), renal failure, and anemia. I didn’t, however, have any seizures, which I’m thankful for, but I probably wasn’t too far from it. I should get the results at the end of the week for the Antinuclear antibody (ANA) test that was sent to Costa Rica to test for lupus. I’ve heard that it can be negative, though, even if someone does in fact have lupus. My doctor said that he doesn’t care if it does come back negative; he has no doubt that I have lupus. And honestly, if I don’t, nothing makes sense anymore.

One thing I’ve realized about myself over the years, and more so while I’ve been in the hospital is that I tend to accept things easily. Sometimes too easily. I’m a little like Nathaniel in John 1. He asked Jesus “How do you know me?” and Jesus said “Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.” Nathanael, with his child-like faith, confesses “Rabbi, you are the Son of God! You are the ‘King of Israel’!” Jesus responded by saying “Because I said to you ‘I saw you under the fig tree,’ do you believe? You will see greater things than these. Truly, truly, I say to you, you will see heaven opened, and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man.” Jesus calls me His. I believe Him. I don’t have to ask a lot of questions. This was actually beneficial when it came to the lupus diagnosis – I was never in denial; I just accepted it. I do, however, think that it will be different now. I have a lot of questions and things I need to sort out with the Lord. Truths and promises that I used to believe so easily are going to take a lot more faith. But I trust that I will see greater things. That the Lord will reveal Himself to me in ways He might not have in a lupus-free life. And I will be depending on Him in ways I never needed to before. I know that you all have been praying for me more than I could ever deserve and I have been so humbled by the supportive community that you all have been for me. But I’d like to ask you to pray for one more thing: my heart. As I wrestle with the Lord over the coming weeks, months, and years, I will continue to need your love, support and prayer. Thank you for your faithfulness to me.

Oh, on a lighter note, I finally got to watch Price is Right today. It was just as great as I remember it as a little girl. Although, I did kind of miss Bob Barker. (I’m a nerd, I admit it.) Well, the wheelchair is here to whisk me away to FREEDOM! And… here come the tears… (it’s the joy again, not the steroids!)

Day 11 hospital update

I was a little disappointed today to hear that my creatinine level did not change since Saturday – it is still at a 5, but my doctors had warned me this could happen and they don’t seem too discouraged by it. They are actually encouraged that it is hasn’t gone back up, that it is maintaining, and that I haven’t gotten any infections or had any major setbacks. AND they are still thinking about letting me go home tomorrow anyway. My kidneys are still failing, but they said it could take 3 months to get back to normal and (thankfully), they aren’t going to keep me hospitalized that long. I’ll just have to come back frequently for blood tests, check-ups, sonograms, etc.

In my first blog, I mentioned that the first time I went to the doctor (January 6th), I took a test called the C Reactive Protein test. Normal people have between a 0-5 level, but mine was 246. Scary. Dr. Porras thought I had a serious bacterial infection, but it turns out it was just a sign of major inflammation in my body. Anyway, when I went back to see him on the 13th, after taking an antibiotic, it was down to 100 (still high, but better), but I was in such miserable shape that Dr. Porras admitted me (thinking I had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever at the time). Anyway, they tested my C Reactive Protein again today and it’s down to a 7 – almost normal!

One of the fun and challenging parts about this whole experience is that it is all taking place in Spanish. My medical Spanish has definitely improved, and I think the Lord has enabled me to understand more than I naturally would be able to – I understand almost everything the doctors say to me! But miscommunication is still inevitable. For example, I knew that I had swelling in my kidneys and lungs, but apparently my liver was swollen as well and I was completely missing that word every time they said it. In case you ever need to know, the Spanish word for liver is “hígado”.

Also, several days ago, a man came in and put a little blue triangle sticker on my hospital bracelet. I was a little confused, but he explained that they were starting a new system with codes and red would mean “this patient could fall easily”, yellow would mean “special diet” and blue would mean “patient has psychotic problems”. I was shocked and asked him why they thought I mental problems! He laughed and explained that it was a new system that they just wanted to try out, and I guess since they knew I would be here forever and a day, they’d test it out on me. They want to make sure the sticker stays on through showers and things. I was relieved that they don’t actually think I’m crazy. And the sticker has stayed on my bracelet nicely.

Pray for freedom tomorrow! Is it weird that I’m excited to do things like wash dishes, go to the store, and use the restroom without having someone measure how much I went? I might kind of miss pancakes in bed every morning though…

Day 10 hospital update

No creatinine updates today – the doctors wanted to rest on the blood tests today, and even though I’m super curious what it is, it was nice to sleep in until the nurse woke me up at 6am to weigh me/do my blood pressure/give me a calcium pill. I certainly didn’t miss the 4 or 5am sleep interrupting bright light, needle prick I’ve become accustomed to every morning.

I did have to throw away my flowers today. Kristina had brought me some pretty yellow daisies a day or  so after my life became about tubes, needles, annoying beeping machines, and pills, and Karl Most, from ICF (our English speaking church here) brought some beautiful gerber daisies on behalf of the church (along with some homemade banana bread that served as my mom’s breakfast all week!). Since it’s day 10, they were dying anyway, but apparently the spores in the flowers can cause infection, so the doctors ordered them to the trash. They told me a story about a patient on an immunosuppressant who was toting a bunch of flowers in his air conditioned car to his brothers funeral. Apparently, the spores got in his lungs and caused a really bad infection that he had for months. My heart rate has been high today, which I learned is the first sign of a possible infection, so they got pretty worried about that. The nurse just took my blood pressure and heartbeat again and both were normal, so pray that it turns out to be nothing after all!

Today was a fun day – mom, Paul and Chase came up and we played Settlers again, and this time I was a little less loopy. We took the shelf out of the bathroom again for our makeshift table. Ghetto? Maybe. I prefer to say creative.

Chase is getting a little tired of the mask (I don’t blame him), so he tried to make some air holes.

I debated showing you this picture, because who wants to put a picture of their stomach on the internet? BUT this color is just too amazing not to show you! This is just below my belly button – I’ve certainly never had a bruise this brilliant and beautiful before! So, I hope I haven’t offended, but I just had to share. I traded this for not having thrombosis! The bruise actually has mickey mouse ears as well, but I tried to show you just enough that you couldn’t see my chubby-steroid tummy.

As far as freedom, I don’t think I’ll taste it until Tuesday. I’ll have another blood test in the morning (pray for close to a 3!) and Dr. Granera said we’ll (hopefully) start making preparations for me to leave Tuesday, the 25th. Oh, I also abandoned the hospital robe today. It feels good to wear a t-shirt. And some of my best friends Sami and Becca sent (through Kristina’s mom, Linda) a sweet card (I cried, of course) and some fun new pajama pants, which I promptly put on. I’ve been super encouraged by the notes, facebook messages, e-mails, blog comments, blog shout outs and phone calls. I would never expect such an outpouring of love from so many of you, and I’m simply amazed by how huge the body of Christ really is. So again, thank you. Thank you for being Jesus to me in the time in my life where I need and want Him the most.

Day 9 hospital update

David, Kristina, Hatley, me and my mom a few days ago in Kristina’s room

The medication and treatment continue to work at bringing down my creatinine levels – today they are down to 5.0 from 5.5 yesterday. The doctors are very encouraged by how I’m responding and with the combination of the 3 different blood pressure medications, that is staying down as well. I’m still praying for patience, as a 3 still seems forever away. I have to accept the things I cannot change though, right? I’m hoping I’ll get to go home Monday, but we’ll see! Some great news is that today was the first day I didn’t have to get the thrombosis prevention shot in the belly, which is currently a shade of red/pink/purple that I didn’t know skin could be.

Chase stayed Thursday night and Friday afternoon, we decided to watch a movie. He picked My Sister’s Keeper, which I’d seen before, but I tend to have a bad memory when it comes to remembering movies, so I had completely forgotten that so much of the movie had to do with kidney failure! I’ve been working on trying not to cry so much, but that was next to impossible watching that movie. It’s funny – I was never much of a crier before. Chase said he has seen me cry maybe 3 or 4 times in our marriage…until the Lupus. I was talking with Paul on the phone the other day about how I hate how much I cry, and then I started crying! Poor Paul! What’s wrong with me? I blame the steroids.

I started researching a little bit last night about what life with Lupus will be like, and it made it sound like I’ll be tired, weak, have headaches, achy joints, etc, and I started to get nervous. I asked my doctors if that was how it was going to be and they said that since I will be on the immunosuppressant for 2-3 years, the lupus will be in an inactive state, so I should be able to live pretty similarly to before. Plus a weird mask much of the time. I’ve been really disappointed all week because at first, they told me I wouldn’t be able to be around kids at all (which is the whole reason I’m in Nicaragua!), but I asked again today, and Dr. Aragón said that I could still go to the services as long as I had a mask on. I was so happy I cried. (big surprise, right?)

One fun thing about my mom being here is that she got to go to the kids and youth services with Chase today. When she came in October, the kids service had been cancelled that week, so she only got to see the youth service. She brought her camera, and Chase warned her that if she took a picture of one kid, she’d be taking pictures of all of them. She took so many her camera battery died.

I’m a little nervous because life with no immune system changes so much. I never used to be an extremely clean person, as far as germs and things go. Now I need to wipe down grocery cart handles and treadmills (confession: I have never wiped off a treadmill, but I just don’t sweat that much!). I’ll need to keep wipes and hand sanitizer in my purse and make sure people aren’t sick if they come in my house or if I am going to go to theirs. My life will be need to be so much more cautious. But I guess it’s better than having my own immune system attacking me all the time! I used to be the girl who never went to the doctor, and now, as my doctors told me today, I’m stuck with them for life (or as long as we’re here anyway). But I told them I’m fine with that, because I happen to like my doctors a lot.

Day 8 hospital update

I have a goal! Yesterday, the doctor hinted that I might be able to go home as early as Saturday, but I knew that was too good to be true, so I didn’t let myself get my hopes up. The final call is the nephrologists and today, he said that he’d be comfortable with me going home when my creatinine level is a 3! Today it is down to 5.5 from 6.2, so it slowed down a little, but I’m just happy to have an end goal!

In other news, they took me off the saline solution yesterday, and today they took out the i.v. entirely! They’ll be continuing the rest of my care and treatment through pills (and a lot of them!) They have me on 3 medications to lower the blood pressure, which seems to finally be working as of this morning, so I no longer have to have the armband or toe-pincher on! Freedom! And it’s nice! I also have the freedom to drink as much as I would like now, instead of the strict 2000 ml restriction I have had.

So here I am in room #313, trying to wait patiently for my kidneys to get with the program so I can walk myself out of here and into whatever this new life will look like. This new definition of abundant life, as a close friend of mine put it. I have no idea what lies ahead, but I’m thankful for a God who does know. And for the community He has given me, the body of Christ, to walk it with me. Thank you for reading, for praying, and for your words of encouragement. I am grateful.